I go through these random bouts of artistic depression sometimes. It's hard. I'm trying to get better with my music, I mean really GOOD. When I'm making stuff in the back of my mind I always strive for it to sound as professional as possible. Which is where I start to have problems.
I've been getting a lot better lately. But it doesn't all happen in an orderly way. In some areas I'm very good at, some I'm pretty amateur. So it's like I've been given some of the pieces to a puzzle that I've been trying to solve for a long time. Some fit perfectly, some I have to crudely shove in place and some are missing altogether. Unfortunately all of these skills altogether are only as strong as their weakest link in completing a full track.
So it's no surprise that I get frustrated. I'm caught between moving forward and repeating the same mistakes and staying where I am. But my latest music just feels so forced, like I'm lacking passion. I think the biggest problem is that I'm not having enough FUN producing. I may have more skill but that's not necessarily going to make for a more interesting song. Back when I was more inexperienced I did not have all these expectations of myself, all these strict rules I have constructed and I was more free to do whatever I wanted. As a result everything just flowed a lot easier, and I didn't have anything to prove.
I'm so afraid of being WRONG, I have this mindset that everything has to be RIGHT or else it won't work. I'm not compromising. I want so much to produce at a professional level but all that ambition is not helping me, it is only looming over my head like an obstacle.
The worst thing for me has been the upcoming Electronic EP #2. nal1200 is accepting demos until October 1st. I wanted to participate last year but couldn't, and I lacked the experience to make anything good. This year it will be a lot more competitive and I'm determined to make my track as good as possible. But I'm treating this like I'm submitting to a label or something and it's freaking me out.
Here is the track I'm working on. I keep changing it and progress is slow. One day I'll think it's freaking awesome and I'll be dancing to it and the next I'll listen and just hear everything wrong with it and just feel uncertain and worried about it.
And let me clarify: When I said I want to be at a professional level, it's not to make it big, get famous and rich or anything. I don't care if no one knows who I am. It's just that I hear all this great music and I think to myself 'I want my music to sound like THAT!' I want the flow from my head to the final mix to be smooth. It's in there but I have a hard time getting it out. It's just about self expression. I make music primarily for myself. Yeah I do want to share it with people but I want them to appreciate the music itself, not just praise me for it. It's about the music, not about me. This rant makes me kind of sound kind of egotistical I think, I'm not really.
But yeah I know everyone hates to hear bitchy emo rants like this especially from someone who doesn't suck because it makes beginners jellyous when someone better than them has low self esteem. I'm just saying... I totally understand that because I draw and I HAET it when really fucking amazing artists think they're terrible. I'm not saying I'm amazing or anything b- DAMN I SUCK WITH ANALOGIES AND NOT MAKING MYSELF LOOK LIKE A STUCK UP DOUCHEBAG SORRY ABOUT THAT But anyway I needed to rant and stuff because I've been holding that in for a LONG TIME. Blah blah I'll probably feel embarrassed about this post and delete it in the morning anyway.