Rant: I think I'm too hard on myself

I go through these random bouts of artistic depression sometimes. It's hard. I'm trying to get better with my music, I mean really GOOD. When I'm making stuff in the back of my mind I always strive for it to sound as professional as possible. Which is where I start to have problems.

I've been getting a lot better lately. But it doesn't all happen in an orderly way. In some areas I'm very good at, some I'm pretty amateur. So it's like I've been given some of the pieces to a puzzle that I've been trying to solve for a long time. Some fit perfectly, some I have to crudely shove in place and some are missing altogether. Unfortunately all of these skills altogether are only as strong as their weakest link in completing a full track.

So it's no surprise that I get frustrated. I'm caught between moving forward and repeating the same mistakes and staying where I am. But my latest music just feels so forced, like I'm lacking passion. I think the biggest problem is that I'm not having enough FUN producing. I may have more skill but that's not necessarily going to make for a more interesting song. Back when I was more inexperienced I did not have all these expectations of myself, all these strict rules I have constructed and I was more free to do whatever I wanted. As a result everything just flowed a lot easier, and I didn't have anything to prove.

I'm so afraid of being WRONG, I have this mindset that everything has to be RIGHT or else it won't work. I'm not compromising. I want so much to produce at a professional level but all that ambition is not helping me, it is only looming over my head like an obstacle.

The worst thing for me has been the upcoming Electronic EP #2. nal1200 is accepting demos until October 1st. I wanted to participate last year but couldn't, and I lacked the experience to make anything good. This year it will be a lot more competitive and I'm determined to make my track as good as possible. But I'm treating this like I'm submitting to a label or something and it's freaking me out.

Here is the track I'm working on. I keep changing it and progress is slow. One day I'll think it's freaking awesome and I'll be dancing to it and the next I'll listen and just hear everything wrong with it and just feel uncertain and worried about it.

And let me clarify: When I said I want to be at a professional level, it's not to make it big, get famous and rich or anything. I don't care if no one knows who I am. It's just that I hear all this great music and I think to myself 'I want my music to sound like THAT!' I want the flow from my head to the final mix to be smooth. It's in there but I have a hard time getting it out. It's just about self expression. I make music primarily for myself. Yeah I do want to share it with people but I want them to appreciate the music itself, not just praise me for it. It's about the music, not about me. This rant makes me kind of sound kind of egotistical I think, I'm not really.

But yeah I know everyone hates to hear bitchy emo rants like this especially from someone who doesn't suck because it makes beginners jellyous when someone better than them has low self esteem. I'm just saying... I totally understand that because I draw and I HAET it when really fucking amazing artists think they're terrible. I'm not saying I'm amazing or anything b- DAMN I SUCK WITH ANALOGIES AND NOT MAKING MYSELF LOOK LIKE A STUCK UP DOUCHEBAG SORRY ABOUT THAT But anyway I needed to rant and stuff because I've been holding that in for a LONG TIME. Blah blah I'll probably feel embarrassed about this post and delete it in the morning anyway.

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skarai 2009-09-01 05:54:06

I like rants, because they're usually pretty honest.
Rant, vent, rat

gregaaron89 2009-09-01 05:54:06

blah, blah rage

WritersBlock 2009-09-01 06:01:09

I know what you mean, but all I could think about was the fact that you said "hard on" in the title. :3

You'll always be able to dig yourself out of a rut. I always do it with literature or music, and I'm not exactly special or unique in this fact.

gregaaron89 2009-09-01 06:01:09

Lol hard on... I'm doing better i think, making progress

Vincoid 2009-09-01 06:19:23

You should stop thinking so much. What you're doing right now is thinking too much, putting yourself down, thinking negative thoughts, etc. What this does is distract your brain from finding solutions to your problems.

When we focus on what we want and deal with it constructively and positively, our mind automatically sets out to find solutions, opportunities and answers. That's why, when we least expect it, we suddenly have these great insights. The truth is that they were being created in your subconscious from the moment you consciously wanted a solution. It's just that it takes time and opportunity for your brain to shout out to you and show a complete picture.

By being negative and focussing only on what does not work, you stop this process. Your mind can't sort out anythingas it's too busy making you feel bad. What you need to do is consciously put an end to feeling bad about yourself and trust that you unconscious mind will present a plan for you to follow. You need to look at those things you're weak at and find ways to improve them. If you feel that you are expecting too much from yourself then make it your goal not to expect anything.
Don't focus solely on the result you look for but focus on how to get there. By focussing only on what you want you create a picture in your mind that you already achieved it. Then, when you actually achieve it, you can't feel satisfied. After all, you achieved what you expected to achieve, so how can you be happy? By not expecting anything, achieving your goals becomes exciting again.

Remember this; nothing you do is wrong! There are endless amounts of choices you can make in life and none of them are bad. Every single choice has it's own outcome and every single outcome is a learning experience. The trick is to be open to it. Only by accepting that you can learn from the worst experiences will you find ways to deal with them.
By beating yourself down you will miss these opportunities, become afraid of making choices and stop doing the things you want to do because you might just make a mistake.
Though that does keep you safe from failure, it also keeps you from improving and being happy. Only when we fail and make mistakes will we be able to see what we did wrong.
You already see what it is that you did wrong. Hopefully I made you aware of a few others. Knowing these you can do one very important thing; learn from what you have done and find solutions.

BasV 2009-09-01 11:32:31

man I read your whole post and I care. Or do I? And.. or did I!? DUM DUM!!